A Week on Earth
by TFSyndicate
Summary: She's had enough! The Yellow Diamond decides it's time to go to Earth and deal with "Rose Quartz" herself. Fortunately, Steven has a plan. (NOTE: Set after "Bubbled", incorporating elements from "Steven's Dream", "I Am My Mom", "The Trial" and "A Single Pale Rose" onward. "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" references abound.)
1. The Telescope

"Thank you for sending out a team to rescue me and the others from floating aimlessly across space."  
"And thank _you_ for telling me the whereabouts of Rose Quartz."

We join the Yellow Diamond and one of her Rubies-the "Eyeball" one-in one of the observatories on the Gem Homeworld. Here is one of the most powerful telescopes imaginable; more powerful than the Hubble. This telescope was aimed at Planet Earth, which is a zillion lightyears from the Homeworld, yet when you look through the telescope, you could swear it was only a mile away.

Through the eyepiece, the Yellow Diamond could make out Downtown Beach City coming into focus. A small tap on the side of the telescope was all she needed to see more of the area, because of the long distance. To the left was the boardwalk and its storefronts, and to the right, the Crystal Gems' temple. Outside were Steven and the Gems, working up a tan and tossing a volleyball around.

"There they are, stupid independent rebels," the Yellow Diamond muttered.  
She stood aside to let the Eyeball Ruby have a look, "And you're _positive_ that pink-black human-like thing is Rose Quartz."  
"I saw it with my own eye!" said Ruby, "She had her shield, her gem was on her naval area, and she healed my cracked gem with her spit."  
The Yellow Diamond was befuzzled at that last tidbit, "Healing _spit_? I've heard stories of Rose Quartz healing with her tears, but _spit_ now?"  
"What else can I say? Suspension of disbelief, maybe."

Eyeball leaned on the telescope, accidentally nudging it to the left, and out of range of the Earth. Quick to intervene, the Yellow Diamond carefully pushed the telescope back to its original position.  
"I'd shatter you for that, but since you've been very helpful up to this point, I'll let it slide," said the Diamond looking back into the eyepiece, "Apathetic bloody planet; I've no sympathy at all."

The telescope was aimed at another part of Beach City now, the surrounding countryside. And there was the barn and cornfield, the giant drill used to reach the Cluster..and the Rubies' Roaming Eye. The Yellow Diamond spotted someone familiar emerge from the barn.  
"There's Peridot, the little traitor. Now she's gone and disabled my Cluster. I've worked _hard_ on that...oh look. There's a Lapis Lazuli living with her. I don't even _wanna_ know how she got roped into this."

The Yellow Diamond stood up and backed away from the telescope.  
"I've seen enough," she announced, "I feel like I'm wasting gems when I send them out to do the dirty Rose Quartz work for me."  
"What should we do now, my Diamond?" said Eyeball.  
"Go tell my Pearl to ready my personal transport at once. I'm going to Planet Earth _myself_."


	2. The Warning

Several hundred years ago, the Pink Diamond was shattered. This had made many gems very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. Ridiculous as it sounds, the mourning continues to this day. But then again, those stupid beings never heard of "life expectancy" before: only a mindless tourist would think this happened yesterday. And while this ordeal was all in effort to save planet Earth, it only managed to give the Diamonds the more reason to blow it up. The only thing holding them back is the maintenance of the human zoo, and the Blue Diamond's habitual desires to go down to Earth and mourn over by the Pink Diamond's palanquin.  
Now it was time for the Yellow Diamond to decide, once and for all, if Earth _really is_ worth holding on to. In her ship, the Yellow Diamond sat in thought in the center of the bridge, her Pearl standing seated beside her.  
"Pearl," said the diamond, "As much as I shudder at the mere thought of doing so, contact Peridot."

Meanwhile, down at the barn, Peridot and Lapis Lazuli were busy binge-watching their favorite show, Camp Pining Hearts. Peridot seen most of them already, but Lapis Lazuli had _a lot_ of catching up to do.  
Halfway through episode number 47 out of 179 (and counting), Peridot's tablet started to vibrate, indicating someone wanted to call her. She went to go get it, but left the TV running: she saw that one a dozen times already. UNKNOWN CALLER, read the tablet's display, but Peridot answered anyway. For all she knew, it could've been Steven.

It wasn't. It was the Yellow Diamond. Peridot shrieked, and almost dropped the tablet.  
"Peridot 5XG, this is your Diamond speaking, so stop whatever you're doing and pay attention."  
Peridot stood stiff and saluted her diamond with her one free hand.  
"What am I going to do with you? You called me a 'clod', you terminated my cluster, you even got a Lapis Lazuli living with you. What's next? Are you two siding with those...'Crystal' freaks?"  
"Look, my Diamond, the Crystal Gems get on my nerves too, but as far as they're concerned, we're _just_ friends."  
Lapis Lazuli overheard what was going on from her end of the room.  
"If that's one of the Authority, tell her I have no part in whatever it is you're talking about," she called out.  
"Uh...what she said," said Peridot.  
The Yellow Diamond smirked, "Well that's cleared up. And to clarify, by 'just friends' do you mean you're a mole? A double agent?"  
Peridot took a moment to think about the question, then responded, "Put it this way: I only see them whenever I need something."  
"Perhaps you _are_ of some use to me after all. Anyway, the reason I'm contacting you is that I'm sick of sending my gems down there, and have decided that it's high time to get off my throne and do some action myself."  
"Action? You don't mean..."  
"I'll be coming unarmed. I only want to know the whole story from someone who was there when our beloved Pink Diamond was shattered..." The Yellow Diamond rolled her eyes upon mentioning the deceased, "I just...want to talk."  
"And if you get the information you wanted, will you leave the Earth be? I mean, for the sake of the inhabitants and for the resources?"  
The Yellow Diamond paused for a dramatic length to think it over. She shrugged.  
"Hmm... _maybe_."

There was nothing more to say. Peridot ended the call, walked back to Lapis Lazuli and the TV, and set her tablet down; wishing to let the magic and wonder of Camp Pining Hearts make her troubles go away for a while.  
Then it hit her.  
"I GOTTA WARN STEVEN!"


	3. The Proposition

Now it's true that Diamonds, by nature, are flawless. But that doesn't make them evil. On the contrary. The Yellow Diamond is, at best, bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callus. It's really difficult to get the Yellow Diamond to smile genuinely; the closest one would ever get is a smirk.

In the temple, Steven was hangin' around on his bed when he got the fatal video call on his laptop from Peridot.  
"STEVEN! There you are! Are you sitting down?" she spoke too close to her microphone.  
"Yeah. I got nothin' to do right now. Sup?"  
Peridot gulped and yanked her collar.  
"Yellow Diamond is coming _here_! What are we going to do?!"  
Steven paused, letting the news sink in.  
"Could you hold please?"  
Peridot nodded and Steven closed the laptop. Then he screamed. Garnet and Pearl (Who knows where Amethyst was?) ran inside to comfort him, then he opened his laptop backup. Peridot was still on the line, and, assuming she was only put on hold so Steven could get the others, she continued.  
"Yellow Diamond knows about what we did to the cluster. She said she's coming unarmed, just her and her Pearl. But I sometimes don't believe her."  
Steven looked up to Garnet.  
"What do you think?"  
Steven, Pearl and Peridot paused to let Garnet's future vision sink in. Then she spoke.  
"She _just_ wants to _talk_. Knowing her, I'd say that's pretty lucky for us."  
" _Pretty_ lucky?" Now Pearl was distraught, "Steven, you have no idea what Yellow Diamond is _like_!"  
"I say we trust her," Garnet continued in her soothing, almost monotonous voice, "If Peridot says she is coming unarmed, than we should too."  
"What about the whole Rose thing?" asked Steven, "Is that pretty much what she's coming to ask about? What if it's like Jasper and she thinks _I'm_ Rose?"  
Garnet gave Steven a reassuring pat on the back, "Remember, Steven, I used to serve Blue Diamond, and I assure you, Diamonds aren't that naïve. My future vision tells me Yellow Diamond _will_ understand, and if that succeeds..."  
Garnet stood up, and left Steven and Pearl without finishing her thought. It seemed that her future vision needed a rest. Pearl continued to freak out mentally, while Steven turned his attention back to Peridot, still on his laptop screen.  
"If it succeeds...would Yellow Diamond leave us and the Earth alone?" he asked.  
Peridot sighed, "...Maybe." Then she disconnected.

* * *

For the rest of the day, Steven lay dormant in his natural habitat. In his mind, he rehearsed what he was going to day to the Yellow Diamond. Perhaps he could tell her he's not _the_ Rose Quartz anymore, just _a_ Rose Quartz that just so happened to be part human. Surely, he thought, nothing could go wrong if the Yellow Diamond knew the Rose Quartz _she_ is looking for is no more. But what if she doesn't? Should he tell her that Rose Quartz 'gave up her physical form' to have him? Do Diamonds know how human reproduction works?  
But even if the Yellow Diamond understood, would that actually _change_ anything? Peridot's 'maybe' didn't sound very reassuring. From what Steven heard on the day Peridot called her a 'clod', it sounded like she took a _really_ long time planning for the destruction of Earth. For all he knew, those plans could've been on display at Alpha Centuri for at least fifty years, maybe longer! Steven feared how the Yellow Diamond would react, her carefully assembled plans going to waste.

The Yellow Diamond's hand ship came into view the following morning. The view of Beach City from the ship looked better than from the telescope back at the Homeworld. The Diamond and her Pearl surveyed the area for a parking spot.  
"We'll land _there_ ," said one of them, pointing to the giant hill behind the temple.  
And they did. The fingers of the ship were aimed toward the top of the hill, surrounding the lighthouse, but leaving a portion open to allow the continued entrance of humans (cough Ronaldo cough) and the exit of light. Locking the entryway to their ship (beep beep) the Yellow Diamond and her Pearl walked down the hill and into town. It was quiet. Too quiet. Almost as if the town has anticipated their arrival and evacuated.  
"I don't like this town," the Yellow Diamond declared, "It looks so...deserted."  
A voice suddenly appeared and spoke to them. "It's Sunday."  
The Yellows looked down and to their left. It was Steven!  
"Nobody works on the weekends; they're for relaxation," he continued, "I was told you are here looking for answers."  
The Yellow Diamond pointed at the little human.  
"...Rose?"  
"No, I'm Steven. It's...a long story."  
"We have all day," said the Yellow Pearl.  
"Come with me."

* * *

He invited them back to the temple. The Yellow Diamond shrunk down to the size of Garnet so she could get in. Pearl poured them a hot cup of tea, then backed away quickly with Amethyst and Garnet. Steven arranged the seating of the dining room table so that Steven _and_ the portrait of Rose Quartz hanging over the door were both in the Yellow Diamond's eyesight. He told them everything that was worth telling: the corrupted gems he had to deal with on a regular basis, the whole Malachite fiasco, and the learning of the terrible thing Rose Quartz did to turn the Homeworld against her and the Earth.  
"I had no idea why you felt this way about my mom until my last encounter with Jasper and that Ruby last week," said Steven.  
"Speaking of which, where _is_ Jasper?" said the Yellow Diamond.  
Steven sighed, "She tried to fuse with a corrupted gem. She ended up corrupting herself. I poofed and bubbled her for safety. Her gem is in the burning room if you want to see her."  
He felt relieved. Unlike Jasper, the Yellow Diamond _listened_ to him, and she _believed_ him. Her Pearl pulled out a scanner from her person, and waved it over Steven's gem.  
"It checks out," she said, "It's Rose's gem, all right, but that's it. She really _did_ give up her physical form."  
Steven smiled, then sighed. He finished his tea.  
"So what's gonna happen now?"  
The Yellow Diamond stood up and walked out onto the beach, returning to her normal size as she did so. Steven followed.  
"This planet is too simple and primitive. I don't see _what_ Rose saw in it."  
"Well, like I said, it's only Sunday," Steven explained, "You should see what things are like on other days!"  
"I believed everything you said so far...'Steven'. But that doesn't mean I won't stop."

Steven looked down at his gem and thought to himself. How could he convince the Yellow Diamond to call off the Homeworld's attack on Earth now? He felt like he was on the track, though, as he noticed that not once since their first meeting did she call him 'Rose'. On the other hand, she has only been here for a few hours. To call the Earth 'simple and primitive' was overgeneralizing, to say the least. Then Steven got an idea. He looked up at the Yellow Diamond once more.

"Would you be willing to give this planet a trial run?" he asked.  
"What do you mean, 'Steven'?" said the Diamond.  
"If you can survive here on Earth for at least a week, you know-five, seven days, you agree to leave the Earth alone."  
The Yellow Diamond took a moment to think it over.  
"Okay. But at the same time, you need to figure out what Rose Quartz did to shatter Pink Diamond. Only so much word travels 'round our Homeworld, and most of it is screwed up by gossip."  
"It's a deal."  
Steven reached out his hand. The Yellow Diamond squatted down, and reached out two fingers and a thumb from her own hand to shake his.

Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl looked on from the front door. Peridot appeared behind them, having warped there from the barn.  
"What did I miss?!" said Peridot.  
Garnet gestured toward the sight of Steven shaking hands with the Yellow Diamond.  
Peridot was obviously befuzzled. "Wha? How did _this_ happen?"  
"Eh," said Amethyst, "Steven's just this _guy_ , y'know?"


	4. Monday

Steven was right. Morning came and everybody was out and about, doing their thing, getting a bite, and whatever. The Yellow Diamond sat on the hill, near where the park her ship, and savored the view from a distance so as not to distract attention. Slowly but surely, she began to feel like she underestimated the "primitive" nature of the humans. Many humans she witnessed were on their smartphones: reading the news, watching a funny video, webcamming with friends, and texting away like there's no tomorrow. All of this was new to the Yellow Diamond, but then again, as Steven told her, it's relatively new to the Crystal Gems too during their years with Rose Quartz. It was a simple thing of life called 'culture shock'.  
"Peridot has a tablet," said Steven, "It's like a smartphone, but bigger. I'll ask if she can let you borrow it."  
And she did. The Yellow Diamond and her Pearl watched all the good stuff that TubeTube had to offer. Later, she went on a website called 'Wikipedia', to see what they had to say about Earth in general. Unfortunately, some smartass went ahead and deleted _all_ the data off that page, and replaced it with one word. 'Harmless'. From what the Yellow Diamond has seen based on previous experiences of Earth, " _Mostly_ Harmless" would've been a better description. Then the battery went flat, and they gave the tablet back to Peridot.  
"Do you suppose these humans are compensating for something?" said the Yellow Diamond to her Pearl.  
"Yes. Those 'tablets' and 'smartphones' almost look like the finger-screens that Era 2 gems use."

* * *

The Yellow Diamond was pissed. She spent a millennia or so with a whole bottle of anger saved up to use on Rose Quartz. But now she can't use it, since Rose Quartz is gone, and Steven is too ridiculously nice to have his spirit broken by a high ruler like herself. She reduced her size and went into the temple to see what the Crystal Gems did on their spare time. She could see Garnet and Amethyst playing a video game in Steven's bedroom ("YOU CHEATED!" yelled Amethyst, cursing future vision under her breath). Pearl was in the kitchen making a pie (Nobody said anything about her _eating_ one though). The Yellow Diamond ended up joining Steven on the couch, who was watching TV.  
"It's like TubeTube, only on shuffle," explained Steven, "and each 'video' is at least 15 to 30 minutes long."  
On TV, a fuzzy-haired guy was painting a picture. His voice was so soothing, it could put anybody to sleep. The Yellow Diamond found herself vulnerable to that voice, and so was Steven. They both started to doze off, but they were interrupted by a noise made by the artist beating his paintbrush against the leg of his easel.  
"I get letters from people who say they have no desire to paint," he chuckled, "They buy a brush just to beat it, take out their frustrations."  
'Hmmmm' thought the Yellow Diamond, 'That's what I need. A brush.'  
Steven read her thought, and called Amethyst over.  
"Hey Steves," she said, "Whadda you and the big giraffe doin'?"  
"AMETHYST!" yelled Pearl from the kitchen.  
She yelled back, at a lower volume, "I'm just _jokin'!_ That's mah thing!" Then turned back to Steven and the Diamond, "But seriously, whaddaya want?"  
"Steven tells me you enjoy shapeshifting," said the Yellow Diamond.  
"Yeah," Amethyst turned into a purple version of the Yellow Diamond's Pearl.  
"I get mistaken for a shapeshifted Rose a lot," added Steven, "but this is as close as I can get..." and he made his fingers turn into little cat heads.  
"Any requests?" said Amethyst.  
"Yes," said the Yellow Diamond, "Could you turn into a paintbrush?"  
Amethyst did just that. Her body became the handle, and her hair became the bristles.  
"Child's play!" she exclaimed.  
The Yellow Diamond picked up the Amethyst brush and went outside. Bringing herself back up to size, she walked up to the ocean and dipped Amethyst's hair in it. Walking back to the temple, she looked for a straight, vertical woodlike thing, and found one in the form of one of the supports holding up the house. She gave the Amethyst brush a quick shake, and then proceeded to beat it against the support. Steven walked outside to see what that noise was and where it was coming from, and when he did, he cheered on.  
"YEAH! Beat the devil out of her!"  
He could distinctively hear Amethyst yell "HHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW LLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG IIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS GGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAA TTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE?"  
Nonchalant, the Yellow Diamond simply said "Till all the anger is gone."  
This went on for about an hour. Afterwards, the Yellow Diamond, though exhausted, felt better about herself; and Amethyst, dizzy, vowed never to shapeshift for sport ever again.

* * *

Later in the day, Steven thought about giving Connie a call, perhaps ask her to help him show the Yellow Diamond around some more. Connie was _just_ out the door when her home phone rang. Her mother, Priyanka, answered the phone, then went outside to get Connie.  
"Connie! Steven's on the phone!" she called out.  
But before Connie could run back, she was ambushed by three new gems: Two yellow Topazes and an Aquamarine.  
"I found the Connie!" squealed Aquamarine, "Topaz, put it in with the others!"  
"Uh oh," said Priyanka, then back into the phone, "Connie just got captured. And it looks like they got some others too. Might wanna come down and sort this out."  
"I'm on my way," said Steven, hanging up.  
Steven whistled for Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst to join him on his search for the evil gems-no doubt from the Homeworld. They didn't bother Greg or the Yellow Diamond; they were asleep and/or tanning in the sun.  
They found Aquamarine and the Topazes-fused into one-on the Boardwalk. Aquamarine went up to each individual and stopped them in their tracks, asking them the same question: "Are you my dad?" Obviously, nobody knew what she was talking about. Steven and the others did _not_ like where this was going _at all_. Aquamarine and the Topazes must've been sent by the Diamonds before Yellow left for Earth, presumably to collect more humans for the zoo. But why only Steven's friends? Steven didn't have much time to think about this, because the next thing he knew, Aquamarine walked up to him.  
"Are _you_ my dad?" she said again.  
"What? No. I'm too young to be your dad!"  
"Not _your_ dad," said Aquamarine, frustrated, "I'm looking for _my_ dad."  
Steven looked at the giant, fused Topaz behind her. In her transparent belly was all of his friends: Connie, Lars, Jamie the mailman, Sadie and Onion (How did he get to be a friend again?). Steven did not like the look of this at all. They were all screaming for help.  
"I'm nobody's dad. I'm Steven."  
"Oh! So you're the 'Steven'!" Aquamarine was delighted somehow, "You _do_ seem to know everyone on our list. The list did come from _a_ Steven, after all. Maybe you can help us out!"  
He stood aside to get Garnet take center stage.  
"Let them go," she said, very cross.  
"Who are _you_ dullards?"  
Amethyst's turn. "We're the Crystal Gems, b****!"  
Aquamarine was, surprisingly, not surprised.  
"Oh. You. Rose Quartz's old lackeys. That was in the report, too. We're not here for any of you rogue gems," she assured them, "We'll leave you alone, but only if you tell us where we can find my dad."  
More blank stares. Aquamarine pulled out a list from behind her person.  
"Yellow Diamond asked for a 'My-Dad', a 'Connie', a 'Lars', a 'Sadie', a 'Mailman', and an 'Onion-I-Think'. Six human variations specified in a report by Peridot 5XG."  
Steven was doomed. Those were the _exact same_ people he mentioned when he first met Peridot.  
"Oh, I see where the confusion is," He tried to sweet-talk his way out of it, "Humans don't have variations, they just have names to refer to themselves by. No human in their right mind would call himself 'human'."  
"Hmm...Could you elaborate?"  
"When I first met Peridot, and introduced myself as Steven, she asked me if 'Stevens' replaced humans, and I didn't get the implication. Because I'm not fully human myself. I'm only _half_ -human," He lifted his shirt to expose his Rose Quartz gem "And half-gem."  
Aquamarine was impressed. She turned to the fused Topaz.  
"I stand corrected. Topaz, take the other humans to the ship."  
'AUGH!' Steven thought. His explanations, while helpful, didn't help in the way he intended. As much as he hated to do so, he had to disrupt the Yellow Diamond's tanning session and get her to call off Aquamarine.  
And he did.  
"Yellow Diamond! There's a gem in town...mumble mumble mumble...taking humans...mumble mumble...has a list...mumble...save them!"  
The Yellow Diamond couldn't keep up with Steven's nervous mumbling and babbling, but she caught the gist of it. She stood up from her tanning spot and walked to where Aquamarine's ship was parked, just as she and the Topazes were getting on board.  
"AHEM," the Yellow Diamond bore down on the little moth.  
"Wha? Yellow Diamond!" said Aquamarine, surprised, "I have the humans you asked for!"  
She showed her the list. The Yellow Diamond reached down, grabbed the paper, and ripped it to shreds. Then she picked up Aquamarine, and, dipping her into the ocean water and shaking her off, began to beat "the devil" out of her on one of the legs holding her ship up.  
"Your services are no longer required today."  
Aquamarine's anger grew to a level that would make Donald Duck jealous.  
"Well if that's the case...THEN I DEMAND COMPENSATION!"  
The Yellow Diamond dropped some coins in the tiny hands before her.  
"Here. You were never here."  
Aquamarine put on a monocle she summoned from her gem, and counted the big ones that made up the bribe. She then removed the monocle and turned to Topaz.  
"Topaz, free the humans. I have made my decision."  
The Topaz fusion split apart, freeing the humans inside. They prepared to run off the ship, before they were stopped by Aquamarine's wand.  
"STOP! This bribe is only good for freeing four humans. Allow me to randomly decide who stays."  
Using her wand as a pointer, she did the gem equivalent of "eeny meeny miny moe" in her head. When she got to Lars, who just so happened to be the "moe", her wand accidentally went off, zapping Lars to a state of unconsciousness. All parties involved were shocked; even Aquamarine. She was _certain_ that she set her wand to 'stun'.

* * *

Steven was the first to approach the unconscious Lars. He put a hand on his chest. No up-and-down. Figuring mouth-to-mouth should be the reasonable solution, Steven put his mouth into Lars' and began to breath.  
"What is he doing?" whispered Aquamarine to Connie.  
"This is what humans do to other humans who suddenly can't breathe."  
"How..."  
Something was happening with Lars. His head started to glow, his hair turning...pink.  
Lars, awake, said "Wha...What happened?"  
"Aquamarine's wand must've killed you. But I performed mouth-to-mouth to save you just in time," Steven explained, then realizing, "I must've brought you back to life with my healing spit!"  
He put a hand in Lars' hair, and watched in shock as it started to sink in. He pulled his hand back, and dipped his whole head in. Steven was amazed at what he saw inside, then pulled it out to tell Lars.  
"So? What did you see?" said Lars.  
"It was amazing! I saw the same pink savannah I see when I jump into Lion's mane!"  
"Great!...Soooooooo what does that mean?"  
Steven, excited, started jumping up and down, "Now I can quickly go from Earth to Homeworld (when you get there of course) any time I want!"  
The crowd behind him applauded. Except for Aquamarine.  
"All right now," she said "Play time is over. Topaz, lock him up."  
The two Topazes fused into one again, trapping Lars in between. Aquamarine and the fusion stepped into their ship, and turned around as the doors closed.  
Aquamarine's parting words were "So long, and thanks for _all_ the fish!"  
The ship took off, and everybody went to back to what they were doing. Except Sadie, she broke out in tears right there on the beach. Steven walked up to her and patted her on the back.  
"Everything's going to be all right," he said assuringly.  
He pulled out his smartphone, and began to send a text. He really hoped Lars still has his phone with him. He typed two words and then tapped SEND. The two words were "DON'T PANIC."


	5. Tuesday

The Yellow Diamond felt Steven's pain in losing Lars to Aquamarine instantly after his (literal) resurrection. It wasn't as gratuitously life-altering as her losing the Pink Diamond, but it was up there.  
She tried to comfort him, "Be happy you only had to deal with _that_ Aquamarine. She's the stupidest one I know. If she wasn't one of Blue Diamond's gems, I'd shatter her myself," but it didn't help as much as she liked.  
Before he went to bed for the night, Steven decided it was high time he know about what happened to Pink Diamond. On his way up the stairs to the temple, he passed by Greg's van. Greg was inside, himself getting ready to turn in for the night.  
"Hey, little guy!" said Greg, "Yellow Diamond told me what happened earlier. I'm sorry you lost your friend, but I wanna thank you for saving my life."  
"Yeah," Steven chuckled, "Apparently, some gems haven't been around humans enough to know what a dad is. Before I go to bed, can I ask you about Mom?"  
"Sure!"  
"When you were together, did she ever say anything about Pink Diamond?"  
Greg sighed, and Steven knew right away that he never heard of the Pink Diamond before either.  
"Rose and I talked about tons of important stuff," he put a comforting hand on Steven's shoulder, "We both made a lot of mistakes when we were young. I thought disco was coming back, she started a war. I think she felt like she needed to confess everything to me, but I told her, 'The past is the past. All that matters to me is who you are now.' And who she was, was an incredible, loving being."  
Looks like that was all he could get out of his father. Steven sighed. The only _real_ way he could get the Yellow Diamond to change her attitude toward Earth _for good_ would be for to figure out _himself_ what happened to the Pink Diamond.  
Steven had the weirdest dream that night. For a human at least. In his dream he saw a stray, abandoned palanquin, covered by vegetation, in the middle of a field. When he awoke that morning, he was sobbing. And he didn't know why.

* * *

Steven met Connie at the library, and told her the dream he had.  
"I think I might have what you're looking for. I was here reading it last week..."  
She searched the journals section for the book she was looking for. Pulling it off the shelf, she flickered through the pages until she found it, and showed it to Steven. It was a sketchup of the palanquin he saw in his dream.  
"That's it! I gotta ask the Gems if they know about this!"  
They took the book to a photocopier and made a copy of the palanquin drawing. Steven wondered why it took him so long to ask the gems about the Pink Diamond. Why didn't he think about asking them sooner, after Jasper was the first to bring it up?  
He found an answer straight away. Amethyst never saw anything like that before in her life. Pearl didn't have much to say about either. The closest thing he got to a straight answer was from Garnet. Way to go, future vision!  
"We're not going," she said, though Steven didn't show her anything yet.  
"Why not? Is this something to do with Pink Diamond? I already know mom shattered her, so what is it about this that you can't tell me?"  
"Rose never wanted you to see this place," she explained.  
"But what about me? The only way (that I know) we can get the Diamonds off our backs is if I know the truth!"  
Garnet sighed. It's one of _those_ situations. If a superior says you shouldn't go somewhere, than you _know_ it's got to be good.  
"If you really want to go, I can't go with you," Garnet said at last, "I don't wanna be near... _her_."  
Steven was confused. Only future vision would be able to explain. Garnet took off her shades, so that her eyes-all three of them-were big and sad and pointing toward Steven.  
"Please stay. For me...?"  
So the Crystal Gems weren't of any help. Steven had one more gem he could turn to: the Yellow Diamond. He found her sitting next to Greg and his van.  
"I spoke to your father," she told him, "He was the last to see Rose Quartz, but even _he_ doesn't have much to tell that I could use."  
"Did he tell you 'forgive and forget'? Because that's sorta what he told me last night."  
The Yellow Diamond nodded. Steven showed her the photocopy of the palanquin drawing. She inspected the paper.  
"Hmmm...That's Pink Diamond's palanquin, all right."  
"I saw it in a dream last night, and I figured maybe if I go there myself, I could get some answers. The others are telling me not to go. I still don't get what or _why_ they're trying to hide from me. Also, I woke up this morning sobbing...Like I'm...doing...right...now...?"  
Steven looked down and found himself sobbing again. So was the Yellow Diamond, apparently.  
"UGH," groaned the Yellow Diamond, "This only means one thing: Blue Diamond must be close by. And I know where she's going."  
"In that case, can me and my dad come with you?"  
The Yellow Diamond stood up. Sighing, she said "All right. But if you see her mourning, I'd advise you not to disturb her until she's ready."  
Steven and Greg joined the Yellow Diamond on the trek up the hill to the ship. There was her Pearl...and Ronaldo. Her fending him off is only giving Ronaldo more reasons to get into the huge ship and loot it for clues or whatnot to use on his blog. Steven walked up behind him, and tapped him on his shoulderblade. Ronaldo turned around.  
"Ronaldo, I think someone went into your house and got into your blog," said Steven.  
"WHA?" That was enough to send Ronaldo running, "That's the second time this week! YOU PUNKS ARE NOT GONNA KEEP THE TRUTH SECRET! NOT AS LONG AS _I'M_ RUNNING THE SHOW."  
"Recurring nuisance?" queried the Yellow Diamond.  
"Nah, he's _mostly harmless_ ," assured Steven.

* * *

The ship took them to somewhere in Korea, where the stray palanquin laid to rest. As expected, the Blue Diamond and her Pearl were there. Steven and Greg were the first one off the ship, while the Yellow Diamond and her Pearl stayed on board.  
"You go on ahead. We're gonna find a spot to land."  
Steven and Greg stood behind a bush, keeping their distance while the Blue Diamond mourned. Steven knew her mom did something terrible. Whatever the Diamonds had in store for him, he was ready. At least, he thought he was. He just had to figure out how it happened, cause he knew the Blue Diamond would probably ask him that herself. In his head, he began to improvise a possible reenactment of the incident.  
Meanwhile, the Blue Diamond continued to mourn.  
"I'm so sorry, Pink. I could've done more. Yellow says it'll all be over soon. I wonder what you would think. This is your planet, after all. I still think it is."  
Obviously, nobody told her about what Steven and Peridot did to the cluster. Yet. Steven and Greg watched as Blue's Pearl walked up to their hiding spot behind the bush.  
"My Diamond," she said, "We are not alone," she she brought Greg forward.  
Greg went for the best icebreaker he could think of in a situation like this, "So uh...were you close?"  
"Very," said the Blue Diamond.  
"I know how you feel. I lost someone very important to me, too. I miss her every single day, and I think about her all the time. But she's never coming back. That feeling can be so hard to be okay with."  
As Steven watched from behind the bush, the Yellow Diamond came up beside him, her Pearl in tow.  
"What did we miss?" Yellow's Pearl whispered to Steven.  
"Blue Diamond's Pearl spotted Greg and brought him over. They seem to be...bonding over their losses. So far so good."  
"Her mourning sickens me," said the Yellow Diamond.  
Steven and Yellow's Pearl stayed behind as she walked up to Greg and the Blue Diamond.  
"There you are, Blue. I thought I told you to stop coming here," she demanded.  
"I'm sorry, Yellow," said the Blue Diamond, "I just had to say goodbye one last time before the cluster emerges," she set Greg in the palm of her hand and lifted him up to eye level, "And I met someone also in mourning. I didn't know humans could feel like we could!"  
The Yellow Diamond was not amused, and for a good reason, "I know that. I brought him here, and he is not alone."  
That was Steven's cue to come out. He hoped he had a good story all together.  
"Hi, Blue Diamond, I'm Steven!" he said gleefully, "I see you already met my dad!"  
"Your 'dad'?" asked the Blue Diamond.  
"PHEW, someone who gets it," Steven sighed in relief, "Yeah, you need to have a little talk with one of your Aquamarines when you get home..."  
"Steven is Rose Quartz's son," explained the Yellow Diamond.  
"Her _what_?"  
"Rose Quartz is no longer with us as well. Steven is all that's left of her."  
Steven lifted his shirt, so the Blue Diamond could get a good look at his gem.  
"Everything you guys said my mom did, she did," Steven announced, "And I wanna accept her responsibilities. All I ask is that when it's all over, _please_ leave the Earth alone."  
The Yellow Diamond whispered into Blue's ear, "I told him I'd give him a week before I decided."  
The Blue Diamond knelt down in front of Steven.  
"Steven," she said, "Do you, by any chance, know _how_ Rose shattered Pink Diamond?"  
"This is it Steven," whispered Greg, "Give them your best shot."  
And Steven went ahead with the story he prepared.  
"Uh...Rose did it on Earth, in front of Pink Diamond's palanquin. Rose was like, "Stop!" and she was all like "No!" So they fought...I think. And she probably did some cool moves. Rose _had_ to do some cool moves too, some jump kicks and stuff, right? But Rose was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her, cause I know _I_ would. Definitely crying," then the kicker, thanks to what he learned from Bismuth, "Uh...Rose probably had to use the Breaking Point™ to do it!"  
After a while of nothingness, the Blue Diamond sighed, and got up on her feet again.  
"He knows nothing," she said to the Yellow Diamond.  
"What? How do you remember it?" asked Steven.  
"It was a _SWORD_!" she cried.  
Steven didn't know what to say. He decided to run to the backside of the palanquin and have a word with the Pearls.  
"I'll be right back," he quickly announced.

* * *

"What's with all the 'probably's and 'think's?" Yellow's Pearl demanded.  
"And what is a...'Breaking Point™'?" added Blue's Pearl.  
"I don't know anything, all right?" said Steven, "I just took an educated guess. Rose never told Dad about what happened, and the gems I live with are silent on the matter too. All I know is...Rose's sword was made to _never_ shatter a gem."  
"I knew it," Yellow's Pearl concluded, "That's why Blue Diamond asked you how it happened. Because how she remembers from witnesses, it _doesn't make sense_!"  
Steven and the Pearls went back around to the front, where Greg and the Diamonds were talking it over themselves.  
"Dad, something's not right," said Steven.  
"I know," said Greg, "Apparently Rose shattered Pink as soon as she stepped off the palanquin."  
"But weren't there any gems to keep her away? I mean, Rose was probably already despised at that point."  
"She must've slipped past them," said the Yellow Diamond.  
"But wouldn't her Pearl have cried out in alarm?" asked the Blue Diamond.  
Steven started pacing around the area, and thinking aloud, "So whoever did this was already close to Pink Diamond. Someone her fellow gems would allow to get near her, someone she would listen to when asked to stop her palanquin and step outside, and then be able to cover it up afterwards."  
Then it dawned on him. His conclusion: "Rose Quartz must've been _framed_!"  
The Blue Diamond gasped. The Yellow Diamond, who was not as emotional as the Blue one, didn't. Steven settled himself on a nearby rock and began sobbing, while Greg went up to comfort him. He was _very_ depressed.  
"WHY, MOM? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME TO DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS?"  
The Yellow Diamond did a quick check to see if the Blue Diamond was making him sob. No, she wasn't. But there were signs that it was on the verge of happening. Greg looked up back at the Diamonds.  
"Don't worry. _We'll_ figure out who did it."  
The Diamonds parted ways then and there. Greg and Steven joined the Yellow Diamond on the journey back to Beach City. Garnet foresaw everything the minute Steven got home, and Pearl made him a hot cup of tea to make him feel better. Pearl, switching into comfort mode, gently patted Steven on the back as he sipped his tea.  
"Share and enjoy," she said.


	6. Wednesday

The next day, Steven did everything he could to get his mind off the mystery that is the Pink Diamond's shattering. If it wasn't Rose Quartz, than _who_ did it?  
He then thought about Lars, and how he was holding up in the Homeworld Zoo. Then he remembered that when he resurrected him, a gateway opened up through Lars's hair, that lead to the same savannah as the one in Lion's mane. Steven got an idea.  
He pulled out a sheet of paper, and began to compose a letter for Lars.

* * *

 _Dear Lars,  
I know I can just go in through Lion and come out through you whenever I wanted to speak with you, but I figured it would be much more fun to have something to read. How is the Human Zoo treating you? Pearl told me this was where Pink Diamond kept the humans she captured back in the day, as "trophies of conquest"...whatever _that _means. Speaking of Pink Diamond, there's speculation going on between me and the other two Diamonds, that my mom, Rose Quartz, might not have been as guilty as the Diamonds originally thought, but we're still working on that.  
Anyway, a lot of things happened since you were gone. I couldn't stay to see half of it, because yesterday, I was on the other side of the world meeting Blue Diamond. So here goes.  
Ronaldo really took the news of your abduction _hard _._ ("I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE IN SPACE! WHY DOES LARS GET TO BE WHISKED AWAY INTO THE INFINITE COSMOS ON AN ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME? IT'S SO IRONIC IT HURTS MY SOUL!") _My dad bought him a giant telescope; he figured that should keep him occupied for a little while longer. But I don't think he's gonna be able to see much, because Yellow Diamond's giant ship is blocking the view in many directions. Mayor Dewey isn't mayor anymore. There was an election that I missed out on yesterday, and Nanefua won with her platform of working together; mainly in preparation in case another gem invasion hits. But don't get me wrong: Dewey would've done the same thing, and if I was there, I would've voted for him. Fortunately, he's currently running the Big Donut in your absence.  
One of Yellow Diamond's Rubies crashed up on the beach earlier today. It's the one with the gem on her naval-I call her 'Navy'. She said she was sick of the Homeworld grind and wanted to join us Crystal Gems. Lapis and Yellow Diamond were the only ones who were skeptic about the idea, and later I realized that we should've listened to them. Because the next thing we knew, 'Navy' revealed that she was only here to get her Roaming Eye ship back. I should've seen the signs myself, when 'Navy' started "loving" things left and right _("I _LOVE_ plants! I _LOVE_ Pumpkin! I _LOVE_ dirt! I _LOVE_ lamp!") _. She makes 'Leggy' look_ more _harmless!  
As for Yellow Diamond herself, I think she's _finally _starting to warm up to Earth, but we won't know for sure if it's a legitimate thing or just a passing phase until we get the whole Pink Diamond fiasco sorted out. She's currently on an afternoon nature walk with Connie._  
 _Anyway, hope this letter finds you in good health and all. Hope they're treating you well at the Zoo. I'm sorry about everything._  
 _RSVP,_  
 _Your pal Steven_

* * *

He folded his letter into an envelope and sealed it shut, writing simply 'Lars' on the front. Steven ran outside where Lion was sleeping, and jumped into his mane. In the savannah, he ran, and kept running until the ground gave way-letting Steven know that he came to the right spot. He dropped the letter from his hand, letting it float downward into the opening, where he knew Lars would see it, catch it, open it, and read it.  
When Steven returned home, he looked behind him to see that he was followed-by _another_ gem. She was as short as Sapphire, and looked a bit like Sapphire too...only orange-and-pink. She was dressed as if she was off to a wedding, and her gem was on her right hand. _In_ that hand was another letter, addressed to Steven. The orange Sapphire stared at Steven thoughtfully for a few good minutes, maybe longer.  
Then she finally spoke, "Are you Steven?"  
"Yes," he said in response.  
The Sapphire paused for another awkwardly long period of time, then handed him the envelope.  
"Lars sent me to give you this."  
Steven took the letter from the Sapphire's hand, "Oh. Thank you!"  
He ran up the stairs back into the house. The Sapphire continued to stand where she was for a little while longer, then ran back into Lion's mane.  
Inside, Steven called for all the gems within his reach to gather and listen to what Lars wrote to them. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Peridot and Lapis Lazuli. Not the Yellow Diamond, though: she was still with Connie.

* * *

 _Dear Steven and everybody else,  
Thank you for writing to me. It truly meant a lot. Although I must admit I don't know who _half _of the gems you mentioned are; I guess I've yet to meet them when I get home.  
The zoo is _terrible _. You'd think everybody is sane at first, but I'm guessing these humans' grandparents or something have been bred in captivity here as well, because everybody's weird, and nobody_ knows _they're actually imprisoned. Nobody has any romantic feelings: there's a "little voice" (who I'm assuming belongs to one of your Diamonds) who decides for them as to who mates with whom. Anybody who dies in the zoo is disposed of by an Agate shooting them into space. And what the people here do on their free time is_ worse _. I mean, listen to the kind of poetry they write!_ ("Oh freddled gruntbuggly/Thy micturations are to me/As plurdled gabbleblotchits/On a lurgid bee/Groop, I implore thee/My foonting turlingdromes/And hooptiously drangle me/With crinkly bindlewurdles/Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts/With my blurglecruncheon/See if I don't!"). _I had to get out of there.  
Fortunately, the guards in the zoo were Amethysts, and when I said I came from Beach City and was a friend of the Crystal Gem Amethyst, they were delighted-because _they _came from the_ same _Kindergarten! Anyway, we had a laugh about it, and then they said they were gonna help me break out of the zoo. I tried to invite some others to break out with me, seeing that they've never seen the Earth before, but they politely declined: they were_ happy _with the "little voice" telling them what to do. The Amethysts chartered me a ship that would take me to the Gems' Homeworld, and after which I was told I would be on my own.  
_ _Homeworld looked deserted. Too deserted. It made me glad (a bit) you weren't there to see how dull it was out there, saving you a trip. Then I realized I was in an undiscovered area of Homeworld that the_ real _inhabitants don't know/care about. That's what I originally thought until...I stumbled upon an abandoned Kindergarten...like the ones down on Earth. Only three or four gems were here, and they weren't supposed to be here-check that-they weren't supposed to be_ anywhere _. These were Off-Color gems™: gems that were formed with defects so significant that the Diamonds declared unworthy of the gift of life, the universe and everything. I found a fusion of two (like Garnet), a fusion of_ six _(maybe more), siamese twins, and a tiny little Sapphire that_ looked _normal, but from what I saw, she could only predict things that have already happened._  
 _And that's where I am now. I had Padparadscha, the Sapphire, deliver you this letter. We're currently planning to rebel against Homeworld, and maybe hop another ship that will take us off this miserable planet and back to Earth. Perhaps you could say his to us sometime, keep us company, find other Off-Color gems™ to join our cause, whatever. I hope this letter finds you in good health as well, and will see you later._  
 _-Lars_

* * *

It was nightfall by the time the Yellow Diamond returned, in time to hear the second part of the letter.  
"Off-Colors™? Coming here?" she queried.  
"Why not?" said Steven, "It's gotta be better for them here than to remain in hiding up on Homeworld!"  
The Yellow Diamond sighed, "We'll deal with the Off-Colors™ later. We have three more days before I decide on a verdict for Earth. I suggest you get back on the Pink Diamond mystery."  
She stood up and left, growing in size, back to her ship to turn in for the night. Amethyst followed.  
"I've been thinking about the Amethysts who helped Lars, and...You wanna go see my old Kindergarten?" _  
_


	7. Thursday

After Steven turned in for the night, Amethyst took the Yellow Diamond and her Pearl (and Peridot too) back to the Prime Kindergarten where she first emerged. Knowing that Lars mentioned meeting a whole bunch of Amethysts that came from the same Kindergarten, it made her want to cherish her memories of the Prime Kindergarten.  
"I used to think this place was full of empty holes, but now it's like it's empty with holes which were once full!" said Amethyst in awe.  
It was all a real eye-opener for the Yellow Diamond. This was what Peridot was talking about when she said the Earth should be preserved for its resources. The ground beneath her was bone dry, yet the dirt surrounding the area was moist like it should be. She looked at the thousands upon thousands of holes made by the gems that were created there. The injecting kept going long after Rose Quartz shattered the Pink Diamond, and then they stopped. This got the Yellow Diamond to thinking: during her last few years, the Pink Diamond grew a bit hesitant about the idea of setting up a Kindergarten on Earth. Rose Quartz was against the idea altogether, although it gave her Amethyst. So could it be that the Pink Diamond _wanted_ Rose Quartz to shatter her? Did she sacrifice herself as an attempt to make the other Diamonds go away?  
Point being, the Kindergarten drained the planet of potential life. Peridot could relate, having spent at least a month in a barn.  
"This used to make sense to me," she lamented, "I thought life was generated in a Kindergarten. Formless, aimless energy channeled into new, useful gems...but life doesn't start in a Kindergarten. It _ends_ here. I've gotten used to plants everywhere back at the barn. Bugs and breeze and sunshine... All of that has been sucked out of this place. It's with the Amethysts like you that were produced here, and now, this place is nothing but a miserable husk."  
"What about that flower over there?" said Yellow's Pearl.  
The Pearl pointed toward a single flower over by one of the Yellow Diamond's boots. It was a surprise to everyone there.  
"WOW!" said Amethyst in awe, "I've been stuck here for five thousand years, and I've _never_ seen anything like this!"  
There was a good reason for this, and the Yellow Diamond was the first to figure it out.  
"This can't be right..." she said, stepping on it.  
"WHAT?!" yelled Peridot, "What did you do _THAT_ for?"  
Before anyone could answer, the ground began to shake. The flower began to rise up from the ground, only for Amethyst, Peridot and the Yellows to realize...

...that it wasn't a flower after all. It was another corrupted gem-monster-thing! Even the Yellow Diamond herself was scared, and even started to retreat with the others! But being the Diamond she was, she knew what do to. She stopped after getting a good distance away from the gem monster, and, raising her hands up into the air, sent out a series of electric, lightning-style jolts, directed at the gem-monster-until it was poofed back into its gem.  
" _WOAH!_ " said Amethyst, "Just like the Emperor in _Return of the Jedi_!"  
"I've seen that five times now," added Peridot, "Although _Empire Strikes Back_ was the true magnum opus."  
The Yellow Diamond knelt down and bubbled the corrupted gem.  
"This was never supposed to happen," she explained, "These gems were supposed to have been obliterated completely. Looks like the ray wasn't strong or long enough. I'm not gonna lie, that _really did_ come out of nowhere."  
"See, this is the stuff we deal with on a regular basis," said Amethyst, matter-of-factly.

Amethyst took the corrupted gem to the burning room, Peridot went back to the barn, and the Yellow Diamond and Pearl went back to beside the hill where her ship sat. The Diamond needed some time to herself, to take in what she saw during that excursion to the Prime Kindergarten. She may have been a 'flawless' gem, but even she didn't anticipate the intensity of the encounter with that corrupted gem. It almost convinced her to cave in and consider herself a Crystal Gem, but then she remembered about her loyalty to the Homeworld. _If only_ she knew how the Pink Diamond was _really_ shattered...

Tomorrow was Thursday. She could never get the hang of Thursdays.

* * *

The next morning, Steven sat on the couch. Before him was the coffee table, with Rose Quartz's old sword sitting there, placed there by Steven.  
"How could _this_...shatter a _Diamond_?" pondered Steven, pre-supposing if it _really was_ his mother who did it.  
"If she didn't use the sword, then why did she _have_ it? Maybe somebody _planted_ the sword for others to find."  
Behind him, Amethyst was teaching (or at least trying to teach) Pearl, _our_ Pearl, how to use a smartphone.  
"No, you gotta _tap_ it, not hold it down! That just sets all the apps loose so you can move 'em around."  
Steven chuckles at Amethyst's impatience.  
"You gotta get a case for that thing!"  
"I got one," said Pearl, pulling out a _brief_ case from her gem.  
Amethyst was not amused, "Lemme go get a _real_ case from my room," and she took off.  
"Well, we can't all adapt quickly to modern tech," said Steven to himself, remembering how easy it was when the Yellow Diamond tried it out.  
He watched as Pearl set the phone down on the table behind her, and he began to speak again.  
"Pearl, you wouldn't, by any chance, know how my Mom shattered Pink Diamond, do you?"  
Pearl opened her mouth to say something, but she quickly covered it with her hands. Her voice was trying to break through, but it couldn't...as if a curse was put on her and part of it involved being unable to tell others about it.  
"I'm back!" said Amethyst, with a phone case in hand, "This is the newest one I have. Hope it works with that model!"  
Steven left the two gems alone, and ran outside to find the Yellow Diamond.

He found her standing around in a convenience store on the one road the lead out of town. She was down to a manageable size, and next in line at the cashier. The guy before her demanded that he speak to the manager.  
"This is the worst tea I've ever tasted!" he complained, "It's like _some_ body put the wrong ingredients in!"  
The Yellow Diamond looked over the man's shoulder and into the cup. I definitely wasn't tea, no doubt about it. Rather, it was a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.  
The cashier was no help either. She spoke to the man as if she was doing a rehearsed bit.  
"If you have enjoyed the experience of your drink, why not share it with your friends?"  
"Because I wanna keep them! Why can't I just get _real_ tea, like at the usual location I go to, huh?"  
"You mean dried leaves boiled in water?"  
Tea in a nutshell, the Yellow Diamond made a note of that. But the way the cashier said it, it sounded so primitive.  
At last, the manager showed up.  
"Whasgoinonere?" he grumbled.  
"Do we still make... _tea_?" said the cashier.  
"You're fired," he said.  
Apologizing, the manager refunded and dismissed the customer. But he was still without tea. The Yellow Diamond decided to take off too, as she lost her appetite while waiting (not that she had one to begin with, being an alien and all). In its place was an epiphany, and she told it so Steven.  
"It's just one species doing all sorts of things. They do what they want, when they want, many of them without a care in the world. It's as if they don't give a something-or-other if I end up deciding that Earth is not worth existing!"  
The people in the store all looked at her in shock.  
"...I didn't say positively!" the Yellow Diamond protested.  
"Well, if you're not going to let the Earth live," said Steven, "At least your observations will give you something to write home about! Look at that cashier that just left, she's gonna find a job elsewhere, if not a better one. It's not like on Homeworld, where one type of gem is restricted to a single purpose. I mean, do _all_ Pearls have to serve as someone else's servant? Wouldn't it be nice if you gave an Aquamarine a break and sent out an Amethyst to collect humans?"  
"What in the Milky Way are you _talking_ about...'Steven'?"  
"It's called Equal Opportunity Employment. There's a book on it in the library. I think."  
A text came up on Steven's smartphone. It was from Pearl. It said "I want to tell you, but I can't."  
"I think I'm on to something," said Steven, "I asked Pearl if she knew anything about Pink Diamond, but she didn't say anything, and it looked like it was against her will."  
"Hmmm, that _does_ sound suspicious," said the Yellow Diamond, a hand to her chin, "Pearls always do what they're told, even if it means being silent on certain topics."  
"I really hope what she's hiding is what we're looking for. Rose Quartz's innocence, or what really happened."  
And they set off for home.

Pearl was finishing cleaning up the place when Steven and the Yellow Diamond arrived.  
"Pearl! I'm ready to talk!" said Steven, "I got your text."  
"What text?" said Pearl, genuinely confused.  
Steven showed her his smartphone.  
"I didn't write that..." Pearl had a moment of realization herself, "No...it's impossible!"  
Frantically, she started reaching into her gem in search of her phone. She pulled out a whole bunch of stuff. Everything _but_ the phone.  
Sighing, she gave up and said "Steven, I need you to go inside my gem and get find my phone."  
"Inside...your _gem_?"  
"Steven, there are some things I _can't_ tell you, but I _can_ tell you that my phone's in there somewhere."  
Pearl looked up toward the Yellow Diamond, then back down to Steven.  
"I think it would be best if you brought Yellow Diamond along, too," she added.  
"Me? Go inside _your_ gem?" said the Yellow Diamond, "I wouldn't even do that with _my_ Pearl!"  
"Please?" begged Steven, giving him big, sad, starry eyes, "What if this could lead to the answers we're looking for?"  
The Yellow Diamond, having been on Earth for four days now, got used to that sad face and just _couldn't_ say no anymore. He may be the son of Rose Quartz, but _come on now_ ; the Rose Quartz she knew couldn't have been _this_ cute! Reluctantly, she agreed.  
Pearl took Steven's phone, "Text me when you find it."  
Her gem started to glow. Steven and the Yellow Diamond were slowly lifted off the ground, reduced in size, then were sent flying...straight into Pearl's Pearl!

* * *

Inside her gem was a large room, filled to the brim with a whole bunch of neat junk. It was like Amethyst's room, only organized. Also off to one side was where Pearl kept her spears.  
"Okay," said the Yellow Diamond, "Let's get the 'phone' and be over with."  
"What's the rush?" said Steven, "It's my first time doing this too, and you don't hear me complaining."  
Unfortunately, amidst the carefully-sorted junk, the phone was nowhere in sight. There was, however, another Pearl, keeping track of the sorting. Steven decided to ask her about the phone.  
"Oh, Steven!" she picked him, then turned to the wall of junk, looking for an opening, "Where should I put you?"  
"NO! Don't file me! You sent me here looking for your smartphone!"  
Pearl put him down, then searched the wall for the phone. Still nothing.  
"Uh oh. Maybe another Pearl has it," she sighed.  
"Another Pearl?"  
"Steven, Yellow Diamond, you're gonna need to go inside my gem."  
"Again?" groaned the Yellow Diamond.  
"It's worth a shot," assured Steven.  
Pearl's gem glowed.

Steven and the Yellow Diamond found themselves on the beach of Beach City. It was night time, there was a stage set up, his dad's van was parked nearby, and...Pearl was seated in front of them, sobbing about something. It was a Pearl in a Pearl in a Pearl! Huh!  
"What was she thinking?" the Pearl cried, "Rose can't have a _baby_!"  
"Rose?!" said the Yellow Diamond, impulsively, "Where is she? I'll shatter her!"  
Pearl, startled, turned around and shrieked.  
"NO!" said Steven, "Stop! That's not what we're here for."  
Steven showed the Yellow Diamond another sad face. It worked again.  
Pearl went back to sobbing, "What am I gonna do when she disappears? I'm gonna lose her, like I lost..."  
Steven gave her a comforting hug.  
"I think I know where you can find it," said Pearl, calmed down.  
Her gem started to glow. Steven grabbed the Yellow Diamond by her hand.

Another level down, they found themselves on a battlefield. It looked like the end of a War, all those Homeworld ships retreating or something. Yet another Pearl was there, thinking about what has happened, what she has done. She found the duo, and sent them into her gem.  
Down another level, Steven recognized this place. It looked like Korea, where he saw the Pink Diamond's palanquin. Standing before them was Rose Quartz, in all her majestic glory. She was holding her sword down, and shards of what appeared to be the Pink Diamond were scattered across the ground before her. The Yellow Diamond almost prepared to attack again, but Steven kept her at bay. Something wasn't right, he thought. He looked closely at the Rose Quartz that stood before them. There, on her forehead, was _another_ Pearl. In her free hand, was _another_ Pink Diamond...whole.  
"Wha?" they both said, obviously confused.  
Once more, Rose Quartz!Pearl's gem began to glow.

* * *

This time, they were inside the Pink Diamond's palanquin. In front of them were Rose Quartz and Pearl. Steven held the Yellow Diamond back before she could do anything.  
"This is it," said Steven, he could see Pearl's phone in the pocket of her dress.  
"There has to be another way!" the Pearl said.  
"Yellow and Blue don't care, they never had," said Rose Quartz, "This is Pink Diamond's colony, and if we pull this off, it will be ours!"  
Pearl blushed and gulped.  
"I want to give this world the the Crystal Gems. I want to live with the humans. I want to live with _you_!" Rose Quartz hugged Pearl.  
"Surprise attack on three?" said the Yellow Diamond, anxiously.  
"Shhh," said Steven, "Something's happening!"  
They turned back to Rose Quartz and Pearl.  
"I can't believe I'm doing this!" said Pearl.  
"Well I can't shatter myself," said Rose Quartz.  
Steven and the Yellow Diamond looked at each other, baffled. What was she _talking_ about? Then Rose Quartz started to glow: she was shapeshifting. But that wasn't all: the Rose Quartz gem on her belly turned over on its side, revealing that...it wasn't really a Quartz at all. It was...

...The majestic Pink Diamond herself! Everybody gasped in shock and awe. The answer they were looking for was there. Forty two!  
The Pink Diamond picked up a flower and a pile of dirt from outside the palanquin. She gave the flower to Pearl for her to put in her hair. She squeezed the pile of dirt until she opened her hands to reveal that she turned it into diamond shards.  
"Convincing?"  
"Very much so, my Diamond," said Pearl.  
"Soon, it will be just _Rose_ ," said the Pink Diamond, "And one more thing?" She put a hand over Pearl's mouth, "No one can _ever_ find out we did this. I never want to look back. For my last order to you as a Diamond, please, let's never speak of this again. No one can know."  
She swallowed the fake diamond pieces whole, then stepped outside. Pearl turned around to see Steven and the Yellow Diamond, and gave them her phone.  
"Sorry to make you come all this way," she said apologetically.  
She shapeshifted into Rose Quartz, then ran outside after the Pink Diamond. And the rest, as they say, is history.

* * *

Steven texted to _his_ Pearl "Found it," and before he knew what hit him, he and the Yellow Diamond were back in the beach house. They knew the truth.  
"I've wanted to tell you for so long," said Pearl.  
"Mom was Pink Diamond," said Steven in realization.  
Garnet and Amethyst appeared behind them.  
 **" _WHAAAAAAATTTTTTT?_ "**


	8. Friday

"Lemmie get this straight," said Amethyst, "Rose Quartz, leader of the Crystal Gems, Steven's mom...was actually _PINK DIAMOND?!_ "  
Steven explained to the others what he and the Yellow Diamond saw, "She faked her own shattering, and reformed to be Rose all the time."  
"Pink Diamond's final command to me was that no one could know," explained Pearl, "But now that Steven and Yellow Diamond do, I can finally tell you all everything!"  
Amethyst unable to take it all in at once was one thing. Garnet felt worse, she split into Ruby and Sapphire. They have been lied to. Sapphire's future vision failed her, she ran toward the warp pad and disappeared. Steven looked at Ruby, then up at the Yellow Diamond.  
"Um...I think I'm gonna need some time to myself," she said.  
She sat in her ship for the rest of the day, while Steven did some other awesome stuff or whatever he had to do (Y'know what, go watch the show). In a fetal position, the Yellow Diamond could do nothing but let it sink in. Hard. Rose Quartz was the Pink Diamond. The Pink Diamond was Rose Quartz. The Pink Diamond was one of _them_ , a Crystal Gem. Perhaps this wouldn't have happened if the Yellow Diamond was nicer to her back in the day. She could remember one moment very vividly.

 _The Yellow Diamond sat in her throne, tapping on the screens of her console. The Pink Diamond showed up beside her.  
"What are you doing?" she asked.  
"I'm commanding the dropships to colonize this planet," said the Yellow Diamond, reserved.  
"Can I command a dropship?"  
"When you have your_ own _colony."  
"I want a colony!"  
The Pink Diamond reached forward, trying to touch the screen, but the Yellow Diamond just pushed her away.  
"You have so many worlds and I don't even have _one _! It's not fair! I want a colony! I want an army! I want my own_ planet _! I'm just as_ important _as you!"  
Then the Yellow Diamond finally lost it.  
"Then why don't you _act _like it, Pink?!"_

All the Rose Quartzes back on the Homeworld were bubbled for nothing. The only reason the Diamonds wanted to blow up Earth in the first place was to avenge the Pink Diamond, and now they can't even do _that_ , because Steven is, technically, _the_ Pink Diamond. It was clear to her that the bet she made with Steven on Sunday was now nullified. The Pink Diamond is, in a way, still with them, and there's no reason to blow up the Earth anymore. But even if it _was_ going to be destroyed, she wouldn't know _how_ to do it, because Steven and Peridot went ahead and tamed the cluster (She made a note to tell the Blue Diamond about it). Such a waste. Their plans and permits for demolition were on display at Alpha Centauri for _at least_ fifty years. But in retrospect, nobody's been to Alpha Centauri: it's too far, only four light years out of the way.  
After a while, the Yellow Diamond turned to her Pearl, and finally spoke.  
"Pearl, turn into a paintbrush," she ordered.  
Yellow's Pearl did just that, in a shape similar to the one formed by Amethyst. The Yellow Diamond picked her up by the handle, and, going outside, beat her dry against one of the fingers of the hand-shaped ship. 'It _does_ feel good,' she thought. Her Pearl thought otherwise. Maybe she should invest in a _real_ brush...  
Questioning her flawlessness, she needed to get away from it all. Steven was still gone, in search of either Ruby and/or Sapphire. The point was he was gone. Even if he wasn't gone, he'd probably be asleep by now. It was just around midnight, maybe later. That left the Yellow Diamond with only one other option: the barn outside of town, with Lapis Lazuli and Peridot. They were the only ones who she knew would be awake this hour.

* * *

When the Yellow Diamond arrived at the barn, she almost considered pushing the door open and barging in. But then she remembered what she saw during her observations of humans, and simply knocked. Peridot answered the door, a can of beer in her hand, and was taken off guard when she found out who it was. She dropped the can and saluted.  
"Don't bother," said the Yellow Diamond, "I told you I'd come unarmed," sighing, "Can I come in?"  
At ease, Peridot pushed the door open the rest of the way, and granted entrance for her (former) boss. She followed her to the side of the room and up a ladder, where Lapis Lazuli was rewinding the last Camp Pining Hearts tape. The Yellow Diamond rest her hands on the edge of the deck, and putting her weight into them, shrank to an appropriate size. Peridot opened a freezing cold cooler, and pulled out another beer. She took another one and tossed it to the Diamond.  
"Well, here we go again," said Lapis Lazuli, putting in the tape for the first episode.  
They all took a seat on the couch. The Yellow Diamond watched as Peridot open her can before doing the same.  
"So...remind me what a Lapis Lazuli is doing here," she asked.  
"Believe me, I don't really want to be here either," Lapis sighed, "But at the same time, I feel like I don't have a place on Homeworld anymore. But where else could I go?"  
Now the Yellow Diamond sighed, "Have you heard the news?"  
"That Rose was Pink all along?" said Peridot, "Yes, Steven called us when he caught a break. Still trying to take it all in?"  
"Mmm."  
"Have another drink and enjoy the show."  
Camp Pining Hearts seems to have a strange effect on gems. Once they watch an episode, they just _can't stop_. First Peridot, then Lapis, and now the Yellow Diamond was hooked. At this point, she was _really_ questioning her flawlessness: it's either that or just the booze talking. She was never the one to drink (she's a frickin' _alien_ , for crying out loud), but didn't mean she couldn't find an excuse to _start_ drinking.  
Lapis, Peridot and the Yellow Diamond continued to binge-on cans of beer and episodes of "Camp Pining Hearts"-all through the night, sharing guilty pleasures, fascinatingly trivial moments, and epiphanies. They were just about to go to sleep, when, suddenly, it was dawn, and they remembered that they didn't really _need_ to sleep in the first place. The clock radio next to the bedspread behind the couch went off.

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey, East Coast! You're with Todd Zeppelin here, on the Early Morning Water Bucket. A very special good morning to all the alien life forms listening in, you know who you are. Hope you guys are enjoying your stay or just passing through! This one's just for you: it's the Eagles' 'Journey of the Sorcerer'!"  
As Peridot stood up to go turn the clock radio off, the Yellow Diamond's Pearl appeared on the ground below, obviously ignorant of what happened overnight.  
"My Diamond!" she called up, saluting, "Blue Diamond wants to speak with you at your earliest convenience."  
"Thank you, Pearl. I'll be with her in a moment," the Yellow Diamond turned to Peridot, "Peridot, hand me a Direct Diamond Line, and those dark eye covers I use when I'm tanning."  
Peridot searched for said device (damaged, sure, but it still works), and gave it to the Yellow Diamond, plus the pair of shades she asked for. The Yellow Diamond and her Pearl stepped outside the barn, grew back to size, and turned on the communicator. The face of the Blue Diamond's Pearl appeared on the holo-screen before her.  
"This is the Blue Diamond control room" said Blue's Pearl.  
"It's me. I'm returning Blue Diamond's call from earlier," said the Yellow Diamond, a bit drunk.  
"One moment, please."  
The perspective moved upward to the Blue Diamond's face, her eyes slightly drier than before.  
"Yellow," said the Blue Diamond, "I was beginning to worry again. Where've you been? Has Steven turned against you?"  
"I found something disturbing about what happened to Pink Diamond, and I needed some time to myself," the Yellow Diamond explained, "Steven is off...doing his own thing."  
"Remember, Yellow, you're dealing with the _son_ of Rose Quartz. He is one of _them_. He shouldn't be there; he cannot fathom how much I've mourned, what thousands of years of grief has done to me."  
Sniff. The Yellow Diamond sighed, sat down in front Lapis Lazuli's pool, and pulled off her shades.  
"Well, that's the thing," she said, "You see, Rose Quartz is..." She paused: how should she put this? "I think the last 6,000 years are now the biggest galactic embarrassment that's ever happened."  
"What are you saying, Yellow?"  
"Rose Quartz...never existed. She was...Pink Diamond all along."  
The Blue Diamond was stunned silent: her (metaphorical) river of tears stopped flowing, the pupils in her eyes shrank.  
"It was all an attempt to make all of us go away. She herself started this. Pink Diamond...was a Crystal Gem. I think we owe them all an apology."  
More silence, then the Blue Diamond spoke, reaching for the controls to end the transmission.  
"I need some time alone," she said, then static.  
'Just as well' the Yellow Diamond thought, as she put her shades back on, stood up, and walked toward the sunrise, back into town.

* * *

She could've taken a warp pad back, but she decided to take the long way, and let all that alcohol run its course. It was just about afternoon when the Yellow Diamond arrived back at Beach City. At that point, she was simply hung over: that was good enough for her.  
The beach was where it was at. A who's who of people were gathered around the temple, dressed in their best. Steven was standing atop the stairway lead from the beach to the front door of his house. As the size of the house and the supports holding it up, the Yellow Diamond was almost at eye level with Steven.  
"Steven."  
"Yellow Diamond."  
"What's happening here?"  
"Ruby and Sapphire got back together, and they're going to marry tonight. They've decided they want to _know_ that they're together when they're apart."  
"I don't understand half of what you said."  
"Me neither. It's probably an 'adult' thing my Dad hasn't told me about yet," Steven looked up at the Yellow Diamond and saw that her shades were on, "What happened to you?"  
"I spent the night with Peridot and a Lapis Lazuli, and we all got intoxicated while watching one your silly Earth programs. Then I contacted Blue Diamond about the discovery, and she hung up on me."  
"Gee," said Steven, "I hope she took it well. I guess you did after all. That reminds me, we might need someone to hand out the flowers during the ceremony. I'll have to text her later."

And he did. Peridot arrived as soon as she could. Lapis stayed behind to watch over the barn. Ruby and Sapphire were wed at sundown. They fused back into Garnet, and she began to dance her gems out on the dance floor; and so did everybody else. Everyone, that is, except for Steven and the Yellow Diamond. They stood off to the side of the dance floor, the Yellow Diamond back down to Garnet's size.  
"Steven," she began, "I know it's not technically the end of the week, but I've decided on a verdict for Earth."  
Steven looked up at her shadeless, sober face and smiled.  
"Earth was Pink Diamond's planet, and because you're really the son of Pink Diamond after all, the Earth is yours."  
The Yellow Diamond couldn't believe that she was actually doing it herself, but she picked up Steven and gave him a well-deserved hug.  
"I wanna thank you for showing me how much the Earth means to you and everyone else here," she continued.  
"I'm happy you enjoyed yourself," said Steven.  
And, for the first time in her life, the Yellow Diamond smiled. It was a genuine one. She was so happy, she started to shed a tear. So did Steven. Then she realized that something wasn't right.

Everybody was sobbing uncontrollably. Steven and the Crystal Gems realized that could only mean one thing: the Blue Diamond was coming. Steven was the first one to spot her hand ship coming into view.  
"Look! It's Blue Diamond!" said Steven, "I guess she took it well after all!"  
"I can't help but feel like we forgot to tell her something..." said the Yellow Diamond, worriedly.  
It only took them a minute to realize what it was, then they both shouted out the conclusion together.  
" _ **THE CLUSTER!**_ "

The Blue Diamond's hand ship was headed in the direction of the barn. Steven pulled out his smartphone and texted Lapis "BD SHIP HEADED YOUR WAY; TAKE COVER". When he looked back up, he saw that the Yellow Diamond took as well for _her_ hand ship. Starting it up, she flew it in front of the Blue hand ship's path, and began to arm wrestle with the hand ships. Meanwhile, Steven could see that Lapis encased the whole barn in a giant bubble, moving it out of the way of danger. The arm wrestle resulted in both handships landing on the beach; hard, badly damaged...and that's not to mention the house!  
Both Diamonds emerged from their respective ships.  
"Yellow..." said the Blue Diamond, shakingly, a lower eyelid twitching, "Is there... _something_...you _forgot_ to tell me?"  
Out of impulse, Connie drew her sword, and, climbing on Lion, charged toward the Blue Diamond. Steven and the others tried to call her back, but she was already too far away. Lion hit the brakes hard, launching Connie in the air. She was caught by the sword in the Blue Diamond's hand.  
"I know this sword..." she said coldly, "This is the sword that _deceived_ us!"  
The pressure the Blue Diamond's hand put on the sword caused it to break into pieces, dropping Connie down onto the sand below. Steven ran to where Connie landed, and looked up toward the Diamonds.  
"Guys!" he yelled, "Stop! It's me! PINK DIAMOND!"

* * *

And they did. The Blue Diamond was more shocked than the Yellow Diamond. Shaking, she reached out her hand toward Steven, and put a finger under his chin. Steven lifted his suit to show them his gem...no...his _diamond_ to them once more.  
"So it's true!" said the Blue Diamond, "You really _are_ the son of Pink Diamond!"  
The Diamonds shrunk back down to a reasonable size. The Blue Diamond picked Steven up, and hugged him to no end. Everyone went back to sobbing happily. Lapis, seeing that it was a false alarm, popped her bubble, letting the barn drop...also hard...on the ground below.

 **To be continued in "Legs from Here to Homeworld"**

Anything that happens, happens.  
Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.  
Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.  
It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though.

 _-Douglas Adams_


End file.
